What I Saw in Your Eyes

I’ve been wanting to get a moment to write since yesterday morning. As I’ve gone about my work day and home life, I’ve had all these thoughts bouncing around inside my brain wanting to be let out…

You have been amazing. This whirlwind romance has consumed my brain pretty much from the moment it started. I don’t know what made me reach out to your sister to ask about you or what made you decide that once being told about the conversation that you should reach out to me, but I’m oh so glad we did. One date. One free date was all it took to make me so sweet on you. One night of laughing and talking. One night of kissing in the moonlight. One night…and you had my heart. Thousands of texts. Phone calls sprinkled in there in the middle. More dates. And then the sleepovers… I thought I was attached from the beginning but now I’m so hooked. From the goofiness to the serious straight faced conversations. From the crazy parenting moments to the relaxing on the couch. From the laughing to the kissing to the passionate moments behind closed doors. I crave it all with you.

In your arms is where I wish to be. When I’ve had a hard day, it’s your comfort I crave. When I have excitement, it’s you I can’t wait to tell. I’ve been falling since day one, and every day I fall a little more. I’m an emotional person and I feel with my whole heart, so I knew this was dangerous territory. I knew that if we continued like this, soon it would be so much more than a crush. You’ve matched me every step of the way though, and you have eased my fears more than I ever thought possible. I feel safe with you, physically and emotionally. You somehow, with very little effort, have made me unafraid to turn my heart over to you.

You, my dear, hold my heart in your hands. It’s been beaten up and bruised, but I feel like you admire the beauty in it anyway. I also feel like despite your own pains and hurts, you have handed yours over as well. There are little fears in us both and they are understandable, but they aren’t roadblocks. I knew this for sure yesterday morning when we were sleepily talking and getting dressed for the day. It wasn’t an overtly romantic moment and I can’t even remember what we were talking about, but I looked up from pulling my jeans on and there you were staring at me with love in your eyes. Those 3 words have not been exchanged, but it doesn’t matter because it was plainly written all over your face. It took my breath away and made my heart skip a beat. I asked you what you were thinking in that moment and you changed the subject with goofiness. I’m not even sure if you were consciously aware of what must have been going through your heart right then, but your eyes gave it all away. It made me feel so good and relieved. Because as I sat there with my morning coffee and you were still in bed just moments before, I realized that for you, baby, I woke up that foggy, chilly morning with love in my own heart.

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She Kicks A Little Ass, Even If Crying While Doing So

*Repost from old blog site*

Being such a tender soul is my biggest strength, my biggest weakness, and my biggest flaw—all in one. It makes me extremely empathetic. It makes me the kind of person that would give the shirt off my back to someone more in need of it. It makes me cry for other’s pain, share in other’s joy, and understand others’ frustration. Unfortunately, it also makes me easy to use, to be taken advantage of, and to be hurt. I hand the entire world the keys to my heart as my giant heart is always on my sleeve. I care deeply, hurt richly, and love intensely. I’m one of the few. I’m set apart. Being unique is supposed to be a good thing, but it’s painful. I long for others to truly understand me. I long to be loved like I love others. I long to be cherished for being this kind of person.

I wish all too often that I could shut off my heart. I wish that I did not get so easily wrapped up in others. I wish that I didn’t automatically feel so much for others that I click with because I end up with a broken heart way more often than I should allow myself to. Whether it is friendship, a romantic interest, and even family, I get let down by the teeter-totter effect of emotion. I don’t want to be affected this much. I don’t want to be pained over others that don’t even let me cross their minds. I am so sick and fucking tired of crying over the impact of others’ actions and the hold they have on me.

Where do I go from here? I’m on the precipice of change. Once again, it is a big, life changing moment upon me. And what do I do about it? In private, I cry and grieve over all that I cannot control. Hot tears well up and spill. But as weak as I feel with tenderness, I also know that I get up each day and take on the world because I am strong. I may hurt inside, but I put a smile back on my face, I feel renewed hope and strength, and each and every single day of my life, I kick a little ass. I may not be able to fix how much my heart cares or how others treat me or accept me, but one thing I know is that I absolutely can control that I will not be broken by the world. I will not be bitter. I Will. Not. Be. Defeated.

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5 Random Facts about Moonshine Niki

*Repost from old blog site*

1.     I cannot write at home without being barefoot. I don’t know why that is, but as soon as I sit down, if I still have shoes or socks on, I immediately strip them off to write. I’ve been doing that longer than I’ve ever noticed it was a thing for me.

2.     I’m socially awkward and weird. I overthink stuff way too much and while I’m smart, I’m not quick witted in conversation. I tend to feel out of place in big social settings. But on the flip side of that coin, I tend to do really well with one on one conversation and connection. Because I’m such a bare my heart and soul kinda woman, I find it easy to connect with others that are also open.

3.     I’m a highly sensitive person (that’s a for real thing, look it up). I get overstimulated easily, especially from noise. I get upset with repetitive sound, people talking loudly over others, the TV being too loud, or overlapping noise (the music, plus the sound of people talking, plus the noise of the air conditioning, plus the phone ringing, etc.). I also startle extremely easily, and sometimes, to the point of crying or feeling pain in my chest. I am affected by smells much more so than others. But I’m also easily in tune with how others feel or how to make others feel better. I sure could go without many of these though. I’m definitely not the kind of person you want to jump out from behind and yell boo. I’ll cry and you would feel bad. Hahaha

4.     I love the outdoors. The feel of the sunshine on my skin makes me happy. I feel a deep connection to the outdoors. I get much peace just from noticing the sky’s beauty, whether it’s during the day and I’m looking at the clouds, whether it’s nighttime and I’m checking out the moon and stars, or the sun is rising or setting. Just noticing the skies beauty makes me feel at peace deep in my soul. I especially love being anywhere where there is wildlife or water. It’s very much a part of who I am.

5.     I love music. It’s a constant in my life. Whether I’m doing dishes, showering, working, driving, etc. I’m always listening to music. It speaks to me. When I’m upset, I relate to music. When I’m happy, I relate to music. I love to cook dinner with the music loud and dance around the kitchen with my kiddos. We take turns bringing up songs on Youtube and use it as bonding time. My kids will ask me, “Mama, can we have a Youtube night?” I love it. I would be lost without music.

Just A Poem

*Repost from old blog site*

I have written poems for men who don’t even deserve to cross my mind.
I’ve loved friends in ways that they never deserved to be cared for.
I’ve cried hot tears for people that hurt me without giving a second thought.
And I’ve given pieces of myself away to those that had no idea I craved more.

I’ve skinned my knees and picked myself back up.
I’ve stumbled and even fallen, but recovered on my own strength.
I’ve felt stupid and foolish but I have still smiled,
And to hide my hurts, I’ve sometimes gone to great lengths.

Not many deserve my love and loyalty.
In fact, I’d say it’s just a small few.
But for even those that don’t deserve it,
Love, support, encouragement, and even just friendly smiles,
I always continue to do.

It’s truly the way I’m built by the hand of God.
A tender soul is putting it mildly.
I may seem weak, or foolish, or even daft to some,
But I just believe I’ve simply been created to give and love purely and wildly.