“Work is slooow,” I said, “I’m bored, maybe I should blog.”
“Blog about us,” he says.
And so I open up a blank page and begin…
I’ve said before that this whole thing has been intense. It still is. It kind of has me lost in my own little world. There’s an entire chaotic world going on around me, and yet I’m largely oblivious and stuck in my own head and heart. 7 weeks of this now and I’m still caught up in the whirlwind.
We were supposed to move slowly, and in some ways we have. Largely though, we have moved fast. The connection was fierce from the beginning. There was a definite desire to constantly be connected to each other, to see each other, to talk and to laugh and to kiss. It has been all-consuming. This man has stirred my entire being from the depths of my soul…and this scares the hell out of me.
I have put much effort into keeping myself reigned in. I’m an intense feeler and this often gets me hurt in life. The last thing I want is to be hurt again. But I am raw and vulnerable and at risk now. I held it in so well initially. I bit my tongue more often than normal. I constantly reminded myself that we need to move slowly, that he is fresh out of a bad relationship and that wound is still gaping, and that I don’t want to drag my children through another breakup; therefore, I need to keep myself together and not let emotion take over. But it’s a losing battle now. He has my heart. All of it. I may be able to hold back my words with him, but there’s nothing left of my heart to suppress.
He makes it so easy to fall though. From his humor and insane ability to make me laugh even when I don’t feel like it, to the incredibly sweet things that he says, to the kind gestures of things like tucking my hair behind me ear to get it out of my face, this man has me hooked. I hear the things that he says about my children and how he pays attention to what they talk about, and I melt. I listen to the stories from his past and notice how he doesn’t hide the emotion of that stuff from me, and I melt. When we are intimate, he touches me in ways I’ve never been touched before, and I don’t mean with sexual skill but with true tenderness, and again, I melt. Everything about him makes me crave him more. He’s more of a man than most men I know. He’s noble and generous and morally sound and loving and protective. He is everything I want.
While writing about this makes it so easy for my heart to swoon just thinking about it, I again have to remind myself that this is scary still. There are no promises of forever. There are no declarations of love. While my heart is overflowing, his is still guarded. While I feel that “L word” every day, he is unsure. While I feel firmly one way and would have no problem telling him or anyone else how I feel, he doesn’t know that he even knows how. This is terrifying. And comforting. And crazy. And addictive. It is the whirlwind that is my life.