I Am

When your soul is intertwined with another, magic can happen. Here is a collaboration piece written together with my best friend. Him in blue, me in pink. We can be the devil or we can be the angel, but always, we are there for the other.

You are my rock, my sunshine, the one that keeps me laughing. I love you, my friend. This is for you. 

Am


I am the devil,
And I am the light.
I am the dawn,
And I am the night.

I am the shimmer on the water,
And I the disturbance of the calm.
I am the world’s destruction,
And I am the world in your palm.

I am the fall breeze coming down,
And I am the warm sun on your face.
I am the thunder that makes you shudder,
And I am your comforting, safe place.

I am the restless that keeps you awake,
And I am the lulling sweet, sleepy feeling.
I am the tide that washes you away,
The stunning moments in life that keep you reeling.

I am the current that drags you down,
But I am the miraculous energy to keep you afloat.
I am the storm that blows you from shore,
But I am the rescue boat.

I am the rain on your fire,
But I am the perfect breeze to stoke your flame.
I am the spirit running wild,
I am the calm and the tame.

I am the soothing salve to your soul,
I am the fire to burn the world down.
I am the highway that leads you to nowhere,
And I am the safety of a tiny nowhere town.

I am the beat in your heart,
And I am the life to course through your veins.
I am the eye of the storm,
And I am the wind of the hurricane.

The fresh morning dew on green leaves.
I am the clear sky after the storm.
I am the tree that gives you shade,
But I am the heat to keep you warm.

I am the rock that you cling to,
The safety to be free.
I am the mountain that watches you conquer,
The strength beneath my feet.

I am the words that you cannot say.
Just when life has gotten hard.
You’re the safety of a new way,
The magic that lightens where I’m scarred.

I am the evil under your sleep,
But I am the angel for which you pray.
I am the darkest of night.
And I am the brightest of day.

I am the kisses to soothe your hurts,
I am the scars that remind.
That I am the toughest of all,
And I can leave the past behind.

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A Loving Spanking

Friendship is an important aspect of life. We all need the companionship of others and all that comes with it. We need support, we need connectivity, we need affection, and we need to know we are cared about. I think most of us are aware of these needs and how close friends fulfill them. Another aspect of friendship that is much less talked about though is being held accountable; and that is focus of this blog.

Have you ever had a friend tell you you’re messing up? Have you had a friend look you in the face and tell you that you are making mistakes? How about, have you ever had a friend say, “I love you, but you’re wrong about this,” while talking? These are important moments.

No one likes to be told what they are doing is wrong. In fact, I’d say it’s pretty uncomfortable. The thing about this though, is the friends that love you the most are the ones that are willing to lovingly correct you. Fair-weather friends are not going to care enough to point it out when you’re headed in the wrong direction. To them, it’s not worth the risk of upset to call you out, so they don’t.

I have two very good friends in mind as I write this. One is my best female friend that has been in my life since the summer before high school. The other is my “boy bestie” that I have an intense relationship with. No one knows me better than these two do and I’ve written of both several times here before. My girlfriend has seen me at the ugliest moment of my entire life and loved me anyway. My boy bestie and I have spent more time on the phone together than me and any other person combined since the invention of instant messaging and text. I love these two like family. They love me back. This also means that sometimes, they call me out on my own shit.

I’ve made so many mistakes over the last 6 months that you’d think I was trying to set a new personal record. Drinks, men, and many other topics come to mind here. I don’t like writing this stuff out for the world to judge, but as always, if it takes putting my own life on blast to help others with an example, I’ll do it. One thing I can say through all of this is that I’ve been able to talk to my friends about it all. I let them see the ugly parts of me in the faith that they will love me anyway, and they do. But they also love me enough to bring up sensitive issues and correct me when I’m wrong. They do this because they have my best interest in mind.

When I’m getting ready to make the same mistake for like the 100th time, my buddy will tell me, “Niki, don’t do it. Just don’t.” He doesn’t mince his words, nor does he hold back. My girlfriend, being a woman, is a little more gentle with it, but she will do the exact same thing. She will point out when I’m on the wrong path. I won’t lie, there have been times that I’ve been angered by this, but in the end, I always appreciate it. I appreciate that there are those that love me enough to correct me when I’m wrong. I joke that it is a loving spanking, because while correction can hurt, it ultimately does good and is out of love.

These two friends bless my life immensely and I would do anything for them. I appreciate both of them for the unique ways that make them both wonderful. And I deeply appreciate the one big thing they have in common…they have my back.

I encourage you all to be this type of friend to those close to you too. You never know what kind of heartaches you can help prevent by being present, being supportive, but also being honest. How does that saying go…if you can’t find good in the world, BE the good in the world.

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Still Holding Onto Hope

I’ve sat down at the computer and written so many times about how I have a tender heart. It’s a recurring theme because it’s such a huge part of who I am, and my life is impacted by it. I wrote on Facebook about how you can’t expect others to treat you as you would them because it will sting your heart over and over. This is a personal lesson I’ve had to deal with so many times, and yet, I never seem to be able to truly learn.

As I listen to some bluesy country right now, sitting here with my laptop and cup of coffee on a very snowy day, I can’t help but think about this tender heart of mine again. I’ve said it many times, but I’ve been through a lot these last 5 months, and the blows keep coming. This is the hardest winter I’ve ever endured in my entire life. As we’ve had extreme cold temps and I’ve struggled to keep my house heated, I go to bed every night in a cold room with doubled blankets and the hope that I never have to feel like this again once this season is over.

I don’t know if it’s a weakness or a strength or a little bit of both, but I seem to be incapable of shutting my heart off. No matter how many times I’ve been stung, I always feel hope. I always have faith. I always wake up each day feeling renewed and looking forward to my future. Some days I get knocked backwards, but it’s never permanent. It’s just who I am and I can’t change it. Because of this, my plea is this; please don’t lead others on. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t string others along for whatever twisted comfort it brings you. Don’t keep someone close that you know is more emotionally invested than you are. Be honest, be up front, and be kind, because people like me are so easily emotionally destroyed by the games many barely give a second thought to.

I’ve been hurt by carelessness more times than I can count. Each time, I wipe my own tears and gather the broken pieces of my heart by my own strength, but I also wish that others knew how much of an impact it has. While I once again pick myself up and dust myself off, I take comfort in knowing that there will eventually come a day where I understand why it’s hurt so much up to this point. Until I get to that day, I’ll keep being here for myself, I’ll keep writing, and I’ll keep feeling big because it’s the only thing I know how to do. I know that eventually, there will be a man in my life is going to be so happy that I have the heart that I do and is going to cherish it. Maybe I’ve met him already, maybe he’s going to read this, and maybe not, but I’m comforted by faith and will patiently wait. Big hearts love the best, and someday, this heart of mine is going to bless someone more than he ever knew possible. I’ll be falling asleep tonight with that peace.

Be good to each other, my friends. It’s a hard world out there.

Love,
Moonshine Niki

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And With Music, The Chapter Closes

I had a revelation a today.

I’m over it.

I’m over him.

Finally.

You see, for months, I’ve been healing slowly, one piece at a time. A little more every day my heart has formed scars where scabs once where. Every day, my soul has been bleeding less and less for him. Until today when I realized. . .it’s done.

It’s been months of tears, anger, more tears, and more intense anger. I’ve cried, screamed, sobbed, made poor choices, and repeated the cycle. But now, I get to sit and write this blog about finally being here.

* * *

I sat down and wrote those words several weeks ago, and then my computer died. My life is ~that~ busy. It took me probably about a month to find my laptop charger, have the time, and have the motivation to sit down and write at the end of a hectic day. In that time, I’ve thought of this blog every single day. Not only did I feel an intense desire to just write, I had so many thoughts I wanted to get out. I also wanted to get this blog out and then close that chapter for the rest of my life. And as always, I feel this crazy need to purge.

When I had this revelation, I was driving in the dark on my commute home from my day job. What started out as drive time that I hated when I first got this job has turned into “me time” and cherished.  During this drive home every night, I let my mind wander to wherever it wants to go. This has not always been a good thing. I can’t even begin to guess at how many of those drives home, my mind has gone to “him” or our breakup. I’d always felt this was a waste of valuable time, emotion, and energy, but now. . .now I feel like this was constructive.

I took months to process. To mull over every single aspect of every area of our relationship and our relationship’s demise. The in’s and the out’s and the up’s and the down’s. And in all of that time spent turning it over in my mind, I really, truly processed. In processing, I finally healed.

I came upon this revelation because of a song. Those that know me know that I am big into music and it’s always on. I had a love-hate relationship with music after my breakup though because so much hurt and tore me up to hear. That pain got easier each day, and I pushed through because there was no way I was going to let a man ruin music for me. There were definitely songs I avoided at times and even other times I intentionally listened to songs I knew would hurt, all as a part of my grieving process.

That day that I was driving though, I realized something. Those painful songs were no longer painful. I realized that no songs were painful anymore for me when it comes to him. I realized, when I can listen to any song in the world now without getting choked up at all, that’s when I know I’m finally over him.

In that healing, I also realized that I was no longer angry. The anger I’d felt for months was suddenly gone without a trace. I no longer feel any strong emotion connected to him. So now, I can reflect on happy memories with a smile and let the not so great memories go. I don’t feel upset anymore. I don’t feel animosity towards him, his family that doesn’t like me, or his girlfriend. I wish nothing but happiness for him and his children. I hope that his girlfriend is everything that he and his children need, because I still care and want them all to be happy.

For me, I was recently talking with a friend about how difficult life has been since August. For one, I’m so busy that I feel like it was August, and then I blinked, and now it’s suddenly January. For two, it’s been a hard winter. It’s been extremely cold here this year and my house feels a lot cold and a little lonely. On the flip side of that though, for the first time in months, I realized I was picturing a future again. I told a different friend a few months ago that I can’t picture the next season in my life at all, both figuratively and literally. So for me to suddenly be picturing spring. . .that’s a pretty big deal. I told her that I feel like I’m meant to endure this long, cold winter, but that my personal life is going to bloom when spring blooms outside. I don’t know why I feel this way, just a gut feeling I suppose, but it’s a new faith that has me smiling these days.

I don’t know what is around the corner for me next in life, but what I do know is that I’m going to keep fighting, I’m going to keep working, and I’m going to keep listening to music—for she is my therapist. And with music, this chapter is finally closed for good.

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This is the final chapter of my history with B. If you wish to read the entire story of the end in order, the links are:

Shattered. Simply Shattered.
I Lost Him, But I Found Me
I Did It!
Here’s to a New Chapter