Still Holding Onto Hope

I’ve sat down at the computer and written so many times about how I have a tender heart. It’s a recurring theme because it’s such a huge part of who I am, and my life is impacted by it. I wrote on Facebook about how you can’t expect others to treat you as you would them because it will sting your heart over and over. This is a personal lesson I’ve had to deal with so many times, and yet, I never seem to be able to truly learn.

As I listen to some bluesy country right now, sitting here with my laptop and cup of coffee on a very snowy day, I can’t help but think about this tender heart of mine again. I’ve said it many times, but I’ve been through a lot these last 5 months, and the blows keep coming. This is the hardest winter I’ve ever endured in my entire life. As we’ve had extreme cold temps and I’ve struggled to keep my house heated, I go to bed every night in a cold room with doubled blankets and the hope that I never have to feel like this again once this season is over.

I don’t know if it’s a weakness or a strength or a little bit of both, but I seem to be incapable of shutting my heart off. No matter how many times I’ve been stung, I always feel hope. I always have faith. I always wake up each day feeling renewed and looking forward to my future. Some days I get knocked backwards, but it’s never permanent. It’s just who I am and I can’t change it. Because of this, my plea is this; please don’t lead others on. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t string others along for whatever twisted comfort it brings you. Don’t keep someone close that you know is more emotionally invested than you are. Be honest, be up front, and be kind, because people like me are so easily emotionally destroyed by the games many barely give a second thought to.

I’ve been hurt by carelessness more times than I can count. Each time, I wipe my own tears and gather the broken pieces of my heart by my own strength, but I also wish that others knew how much of an impact it has. While I once again pick myself up and dust myself off, I take comfort in knowing that there will eventually come a day where I understand why it’s hurt so much up to this point. Until I get to that day, I’ll keep being here for myself, I’ll keep writing, and I’ll keep feeling big because it’s the only thing I know how to do. I know that eventually, there will be a man in my life is going to be so happy that I have the heart that I do and is going to cherish it. Maybe I’ve met him already, maybe he’s going to read this, and maybe not, but I’m comforted by faith and will patiently wait. Big hearts love the best, and someday, this heart of mine is going to bless someone more than he ever knew possible. I’ll be falling asleep tonight with that peace.

Be good to each other, my friends. It’s a hard world out there.

Love,
Moonshine Niki

brighter-days

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