A New Dating Revelation

As I sit here at home on this snowy afternoon, thinking once again about being let down by others, half wanting to purge my heart and half wanting to say nothing at all, I decide to at least try. “Just type,” I tell myself…and so I do.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about dating and relationships and love. It is something that my heart and soul craves deeply. I’ve always known that I’m a lover and so it just feels…unnatural to be alone. It’s lonely. It’s painful. It’s sad.

I had this immediate impatience once I felt ready to date again where I felt that because I’m ready *poof* there should be a man that I meet and we would want to explore a future together. Well, guess what? That’s not how it’s worked.

I’m a self-professed serial dater. Since I was probably 13 or 14, I’ve had a boyfriend (or husband) pretty consistently. I’ve moved on quickly after each breakup, distracting myself from any pain with the excitement of a new boy. As I’ve gotten older, this has changed a bit, especially after my last relationship ended. I’ve spent more time single in the last year and a half than I ever have in my entire life combined.

The thing is, people DO indeed change. I know this because I’ve changed. I’ve changed A LOT over my lifetime. I’ve done much reflection in my dating choices lately and how much I’ve changed. I’ve recently had a handful of people I was previously romantically interested in pop back up. With each person, for various reasons, I am surprised at my own previous interest because of how much I can see how those people are not good choices for me. You know what this personal growth and change means? It means I’m a lot more picky, a lot more aware, and a lot more conscious in my choices.

Back to my recent impatience though… I spent months in pain, knowing I wasn’t a good candidate for someone else to date, and healing. Where I’d previously moved on emotionally rather quickly from each breakup before my most recent, I didn’t this time. I hurt deeply. I took time to feel the pain, to grieve, to process, and to piece myself back together. So once I knew I could look anyone in the eye and honestly say that I was good again, I had a natural desire to be with someone again. The thing is, that’s apparently just not in the cards for me right now.

I’ve gotten my hopes up a few times, and each time, my hopes came crashing down around me. It’s been quite the journey already, and honestly, I’m done. My newest revelation is this; I need to not be looking. I can’t find a life partner just from sheer will in wanting one. I can’t make someone else feel for me, respect me, and desire me just because I have feelings, respect, and desire for them. The only thing I’m doing by trying to seek out a partner is hurting my own heart again. With all that I have going on in life, I can’t keep putting myself through that pain. So, I wait. That is my plan. I will parent my three children, work my two jobs, and live this one crazy busy life until someone else comes bursting in. I will be patient. I will wait. My heart needs this, my children need this, and my own peace of mind needs this.

Someday, there’s going to be a man that will look at me and wonder how any other man ever dared to pass me up. He will see and adore my great qualities and love me despite my flaws. And he will come along without me having to do any searching at all. It is in this faith that I stop seeking and start truly living and being happy again just taking care of me and mine. I believe with all that I am that this is how it’s meant to be. Finally getting to this point though, that is the first of what I believe is many blessings to come.

Stay tuned, my friends. I can promise you that this is not the end of my love story. But while I am waiting, I can also promise that I’ll keep writing, keep sharing my heart, and keep being real. It’s all I know how to do.

I love you all.

Love,
Moonshine Niki

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Is She Crying Again?

“Is she crying again?”

“She is just being emotional.”

“Man up.”

“Boys don’t cry.”

When I think of being emotional and crying, these are some of the responses that pop into my head. I think of my family ridiculing me for being emotional. I think of all hurts being swept under the rug or boxed tightly inside for fear of someone seeing tears fall. I think of little boys being told they need to be manly and that men don’t cry. In fact, everything I think of when I think of crying is negative. It is ingrained in us not to be “sissies” or worse. In our culture, crying is seen as weak. It is a deep-rooted belief that starts get drilled into us when we are young.

I was having lunch with a friend recently when she told me her mother suggested she go see a doctor.

“Why?” I asked as I looked at her across the table.

“Because I’m so emotional,” she said with tears welling up in her eyes.

What? Seriously?! Aside from more stress recently and the struggles of enduring a long, cold winter without enough sun, what problem did her mother think was causing tears that a doctor was going to fix? This astounded me as my friend is a well-adjusted, loving, strong woman. Why is her feeling emotional lately a problem worthy of going to the doctor? Why does crying need to be cured?

I had another (male) friend tell me that he feels men aren’t allowed to feel emotions, and they are definitely not allowed to cry. So my friend walks through life enduring hardship, hurts, and stress and stuffing all these feelings down, fearing crying even in private. He and other men feel that it is never okay to just breakdown and let it out.

I’ve written over and over about being an emotional person and so you could accurately assume that this means I am also a crier. It’s true, I am. I cry when I feel sorrow, I cry when I become overstimulated, I cry when I’m happy. It’s just how I am. This was something I was ashamed of when I was younger and I used to get so angry with myself when I cried and couldn’t control it. I’ve been thinking lately though, why does our culture so staunchly dislike crying?

Crying is cleansing. It’s a great release and relief of emotions. It’s almost like pushing a reset button. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to embrace the need to cry and the emotional relief it brings me once I’ve done so. Because of this, I often encourage others to let it out. As we fear crying, I almost don’t understand why. Think about this; once it starts, no matter how hard you cry, it always comes to an end within moments. You feel better. You feel some relief. Then you can dry your eyes, wash your face, and you’re set to take on the world again.

As a lover of human beings, as a mother, as a nurturer by nature, I encourage you all to be supportive of those around you that need to let it out. I encourage you to allow your boys to cry when they need to. I encourage you to allow your girls to cry. I encourage you to be supportive of humans and the need to cry in general. We naturally feel like we can’t change the world, but we actually can. By changing ourselves, we change the world for those around us. This is how we change the stigma that goes along with crying in our culture.

May peace be with you all this week.

Love,
Moonshine Niki

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