Tears…I’ve cried so many tears lately that I should probably drink an extra bottle of water just to combat dehydration. Seriously though, I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m an emotional human being and it’s just not something I can change. When you take that combined with my deceased daughter’s birthday, being disconnected from my family, and several other personal issues, I’ve done much crying.
Part of what has been very difficult in the past several months is my questioning of my faith. Once I was questioning it, suddenly my entire foundation in life seemed to be sand. I’ve been struggling for months with whether or not I even believed there was a God. Lately though, I’ve realized how much desperation I feel if I am not a believer.
If there’s no God, then I feel like life has lost purpose. Hope has lost purpose. Pain has lost purpose. There’s no path then or greater purpose. There’s nothing bigger than me to place my hurts, hopes, and fears. I didn’t realize it, but this had become this crazy heavy rock in my chest all the time. The craziest part about that too is that I can’t even remember what made me start to doubt, other than being angry that life feels hard for me. In my own stubborn nature, I lashed out as if I could hurt God’s feelings by my doubt. I began to believe my own rebellion and question everything I’ve ever had faith in.
The Turning Point
In the last couple of days, I’ve listened to more Christian music than I’ve listened to in a long time. I allowed myself to feel comfort in it. I was driving this morning, and suddenly it hit me how much I have gotten in my own way. I may not have the answers, but God is there. It’s only been in my own stubbornness that I’ve held my own heart back. I realized I’m safe to have faith and hope. I’m safe to believe that I’m not alone. I have a safety net. I can allow myself to take comfort in Him and His presence. All of this came at once, and I just wept. Then I laughed. Out of nowhere, driving by myself, with tears streaming, I laughed so hard. I felt joy and peace in my heart knowing I’m okay. As I’m continuing to fight battles in my personal life, I’m comforted allowing myself to lean on Christ again.
I still have questions, and I am not a perfect Christian, but it’s time for me to build that relationship again. I need that faith and it will be what I cling to now. God never ran from me. I ran from God. And now, I’m running right back.