When writing from the heart with truths of one’s own life, that sometimes requires throwing one’s self under the bus. So, in true Moonshine Niki fashion, here goes…
I am selfish. Well, I mean, not all of the time, but in the ways that I am selfish, it’s more of an issue than I would care to admit to. I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while now. You see, at work, I spend a ton of time trudging all over what I affectionately call “the back 40.” Most of my time at work is spent out on the massive property alone, and of course, while alone, this allows for so much thinking time that sometimes I think I’ll make myself crazy. Lately, while doing all of this thinking, I’ve thought a lot about something my sister said when we argued. She had said that I was unable to see a situation beyond my own feelings. In the moment, I totally disregarded it because I’m about as empathetic as they come. Here’s the deal though, once I’m in an emotional state about a situation or a person, she’s totally right. This was solidified by me when remembering an argument with my longest known friend a while back because she said pretty much the same thing too. I so very much see the situation from how ~I~ feel, and not the other person.
I have made it no secret that I am an emotional person. I get so caught up in how I feel that I can’t see outside of that viewpoint. I am mislead by how I feel and am unable to realize that another isn’t seeing the situation from my view, my emotions, and my heart. I get hurt or angry because I’m only seeing my own point of view. Not only that, but then I selfishly expect others to feel the way that I do, because their hearts should automatically be like mine, right?! *sarcasm*
The worst part of all of this is that I get so caught up in my feelings that I then get upset. I take it as a personal insult. My emotions get carried away and run off with dramatic flair that can only be rivaled by things like a teenage girl finding out the boy she likes has been passing notes with the popular girl in Spanish class. You get the idea. My feelings sometimes make me a little dramatic.
Here’s my big realization though; no one owes me anything. So much of what I set myself up for with being upset is thinking that others owe me something just because of how I feel about them. They don’t though. This realization hit me like a ton bricks this morning when I woke up. It’s been a recent lesson in my life with more than one person, especially my family. The good thing about realizing it though is that I can change myself.
By knowing that there’s nothing owed to me from anyone, I am not setting myself up for letdowns by expectations. I also know that when I do get into those emotional situations, instead of being selfish about what I feel I deserve, I need to take a step back and check myself. I need to remember that others don’t have my exact same heart and feelings, and just because I don’t get the response I feel I deserve does not mean that the other person doesn’t care.
Sometimes the first step to happiness and change is recognizing one’s own faults. The key to a happy life is inside of myself. I absolutely cannot change others, but I can change my own reaction to others. There is power in this realization. Like anyone else, I am constantly learning, constantly growing, and constantly striving to become a better woman than I was the day before. I can choose not to be selfish. I can choose to be more empathetic even when I feel intensely. And mostly, I can choose to recognize my own BS.