An Open Book

I saw a meme on Facebook that said something like, “I’m an open book in a world full of people that don’t read.” This speaks loudly to me as I can relate so well. I’m so much different from most of those around me. I’m a deep feeler surrounded by those that are numb. I’m a master communicator surrounded by those that just remain silent when I so badly just need to hear their words. So what do I do? I hold so much inside. I hold it inside until it feels like it’s all going to make me crazy. I hold it in while it eats my soul. I quietly cry tears of loneliness and frustration in the dark. I privately meltdown feeling I’m just too much for others. Then, I do the only thing I know how to do to cope, and I write.

The biggest problem in all of this is that there is just no changing it. I can’t water myself down. I have no idea how to be any different than the intensely feeling, fiercely loving, caring with my entire heart woman I am. Sometimes I feel like that is empowering, and other times, I feel like it is a lifelong punishment. I can’t help but wonder if this is every really going to pay off, or if I’m just going to spend my life with this complex heart that no one truly understands…

I don’t have much choice in anything though, other than choosing to try to be positive, choosing to keep my hope and faith intact, choosing not to allow the world to make me bitter, and choosing to continue writing. The rest of life is left up to powers bigger than mine. One thing is certain, I’m just always going to be that open book, and maybe someday, that open book can become a real written book and will make an impact on others for the better. This is my biggest life goal.

So, here’s to the open books…

*Photo from J. Warren Welch*

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3 Comments

  1. I too am an open book. The difference is I don’t keep it inside. And the numb closed book have two reactions. Either they hate me for the truth and ostracize me. Or they think I am a manipulative bitch with ulterior motives. Its deflating, and exhausting. But I don’t know how to internalize. I wish I did. I wish I could learn. But I never could learn. My husband learned well and now he can’t feel at all and he wish he could feel. So we encourage our children to feel everything to it’s fullest. We see the extremes that filtering emotions do to the psych, we just don’t want either extreme for them.

    Here is to the open books, that we might find each other and find peace. And to the closed books who want to unlock the binding. They also exist!

    Liked by 1 person

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