Bonded Blessings

Friendship is a powerful thing. It can help with healing the hurt, it can soothe the burn of daily living, and it can lift low spirits. A good friendship between two women is a bond unlike any other, but it wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I truly realized how important female friends are to a woman.

 

When I was growing up, I had a difficult time fitting in socially. That was especially true with other girls. I have always been socially awkward and I tend to say too much too soon and so people tend to think that I’m weird. I have a huge heart though and I’m closely tied to my emotions, so I don’t give it much thought to just say what is on my heart and mind. It’s like my social filter is broken, or it was just never there to begin with.

awkward

Me socially summed up

 

Every great once in a while in my life though, I meet someone amazing that understands me and isn’t weirded out by my awkward non-filter. Every great once in a while I meet someone that I instantly click with and the bond is immediate. Every great once in a while I meet someone that makes me feel okay for just being me. I recently had one of those “every great once in a while’s” happen.

 

Do you ever meet someone and within minutes, you just know deep down that you and that person were just destined to meet? You know, when you talk and there’s an instant connection? It’s so very rare for me (and for most people I think), and it’s only happened a few times in my life ever.

 

*   *   *

 

I got laid off a couple of months ago from a job that I loved. It felt like the world was ending for me. How was I ever going to find something that was just as good with Monday through Friday business hours with only a year and a half of recent office experience? I live in a small area where jobs like that are fought over by even those with much experience. I was terrified that I’d have to go back to working in retail, and worse yet, have to go back to working two jobs just to make ends meet. I hated the environment where I worked, but I loved my job, and my family had become accustomed to my cushy, steady work schedule. I was determined to find something similar and so I only applied for new jobs that were in similar fields. It took 4 weeks to even get called for an interview. I was so nervous for many reasons. I sat in that group interview silently praying that they would love me and think I was the best person for the job. The company seemed great and while I would have to travel to get to work every day and the pay was lower than my last position, I just knew in my heart that it was “the one” for me. A day later, I was called and offered the position. I was ecstatic. My long, hard month of being unemployed was finally over. While my heart still stung from the loss of the job I loved, I was so happy and recognized my blessing of the new job. But I didn’t realize yet just how much I was blessed until my second day.

 

“K” was gone the day I started my new position. I began my training with the lady that was retiring and that I would be eventually taking over for. In the office, there are two older women, a male boss, myself, and K in her late 20’s. I was nervous because at my last job, I worked with all men. Would I be able to relate to other women in the office? Would I have a difficult time getting along with another younger woman? Would my social awkwardness shine through?

 

On day 2, my trainer was gone and I got to meet K and get some training with her. We talked on a personal level pretty much immediately. We had a lot in common and it took a total of 10 minutes for me to decide that I already was going to get along fabulously with her and that we would work great together. She told me a little about herself and everything she said, I could relate to. I felt weird for admiring her already and then really hoped I wouldn’t say anything stupid or do anything to make her wonder why I’m so odd. It’s not like when you meet someone you can just immediately be like, “I love your natural beauty and how your good heart shines through your smile and I love your laugh and the way you don’t seem to care what anyone thinks about you.” So I sat there largely silent at first and secretly texted my boyfriend and told him I’d met this amazing woman and that she is going to become my “work bestie” before she knows it.

 

A few days in and I could tell I wasn’t alone in feeling the connection between us. After a couple days we started to talk more on a personal level whenever the office was empty. That quickly led to talking outside of work. Within a week, I was then telling my boyfriend that K and I were going to become best friends, even if she doesn’t know it yet.

 

In just a few weeks, I’ve gained not just a job and not just a friend, but a best friend. The bond is tight and the laughs are many. I love that I already feel like I can talk to her about anything and she will listen and lack in judgment. I would do the same for her. Finding real people anymore is so difficult and I truly see how blessed I am for finding the friend in her. The loss of a job turned into one of the greatest blessings I’ve recently received. I’m happy at my new job and totally in friend love with K. I couldn’t ask for more.

The Whirlwind

“Work is slooow,” I said, “I’m bored, maybe I should blog.”

“Blog about us,” he says.

And so I open up a blank page and begin…

I’ve said before that this whole thing has been intense. It still is. It kind of has me lost in my own little world. There’s an entire chaotic world going on around me, and yet I’m largely oblivious and stuck in my own head and heart. 7 weeks of this now and I’m still caught up in the whirlwind.

We were supposed to move slowly, and in some ways we have. Largely though, we have moved fast. The connection was fierce from the beginning. There was a definite desire to constantly be connected to each other, to see each other, to talk and to laugh and to kiss. It has been all-consuming. This man has stirred my entire being from the depths of my soul…and this scares the hell out of me.

I have put much effort into keeping myself reigned in. I’m an intense feeler and this often gets me hurt in life. The last thing I want is to be hurt again. But I am raw and vulnerable and at risk now. I held it in so well initially. I bit my tongue more often than normal. I constantly reminded myself that we need to move slowly, that he is fresh out of a bad relationship and that wound is still gaping, and that I don’t want to drag my children through another breakup; therefore, I need to keep myself together and not let emotion take over. But it’s a losing battle now. He has my heart. All of it. I may be able to hold back my words with him, but there’s nothing left of my heart to suppress.

He makes it so easy to fall though. From his humor and insane ability to make me laugh even when I don’t feel like it, to the incredibly sweet things that he says, to the kind gestures of things like tucking my hair behind me ear to get it out of my face, this man has me hooked. I hear the things that he says about my children and how he pays attention to what they talk about, and I melt. I listen to the stories from his past and notice how he doesn’t hide the emotion of that stuff from me, and I melt. When we are intimate, he touches me in ways I’ve never been touched before, and I don’t mean with sexual skill but with true tenderness, and again, I melt. Everything about him makes me crave him more. He’s more of a man than most men I know. He’s noble and generous and morally sound and loving and protective. He is everything I want.

While writing about this makes it so easy for my heart to swoon just thinking about it, I again have to remind myself that this is scary still. There are no promises of forever. There are no declarations of love. While my heart is overflowing, his is still guarded. While I feel that “L word” every day, he is unsure. While I feel firmly one way and would have no problem telling him or anyone else how I feel, he doesn’t know that he even knows how. This is terrifying. And comforting. And crazy. And addictive. It is the whirlwind that is my life.

What I Saw in Your Eyes

I’ve been wanting to get a moment to write since yesterday morning. As I’ve gone about my work day and home life, I’ve had all these thoughts bouncing around inside my brain wanting to be let out…

You have been amazing. This whirlwind romance has consumed my brain pretty much from the moment it started. I don’t know what made me reach out to your sister to ask about you or what made you decide that once being told about the conversation that you should reach out to me, but I’m oh so glad we did. One date. One free date was all it took to make me so sweet on you. One night of laughing and talking. One night of kissing in the moonlight. One night…and you had my heart. Thousands of texts. Phone calls sprinkled in there in the middle. More dates. And then the sleepovers… I thought I was attached from the beginning but now I’m so hooked. From the goofiness to the serious straight faced conversations. From the crazy parenting moments to the relaxing on the couch. From the laughing to the kissing to the passionate moments behind closed doors. I crave it all with you.

In your arms is where I wish to be. When I’ve had a hard day, it’s your comfort I crave. When I have excitement, it’s you I can’t wait to tell. I’ve been falling since day one, and every day I fall a little more. I’m an emotional person and I feel with my whole heart, so I knew this was dangerous territory. I knew that if we continued like this, soon it would be so much more than a crush. You’ve matched me every step of the way though, and you have eased my fears more than I ever thought possible. I feel safe with you, physically and emotionally. You somehow, with very little effort, have made me unafraid to turn my heart over to you.

You, my dear, hold my heart in your hands. It’s been beaten up and bruised, but I feel like you admire the beauty in it anyway. I also feel like despite your own pains and hurts, you have handed yours over as well. There are little fears in us both and they are understandable, but they aren’t roadblocks. I knew this for sure yesterday morning when we were sleepily talking and getting dressed for the day. It wasn’t an overtly romantic moment and I can’t even remember what we were talking about, but I looked up from pulling my jeans on and there you were staring at me with love in your eyes. Those 3 words have not been exchanged, but it doesn’t matter because it was plainly written all over your face. It took my breath away and made my heart skip a beat. I asked you what you were thinking in that moment and you changed the subject with goofiness. I’m not even sure if you were consciously aware of what must have been going through your heart right then, but your eyes gave it all away. It made me feel so good and relieved. Because as I sat there with my morning coffee and you were still in bed just moments before, I realized that for you, baby, I woke up that foggy, chilly morning with love in my own heart.

She Kicks A Little Ass, Even If Crying While Doing So

*Repost from old blog site*

Being such a tender soul is my biggest strength, my biggest weakness, and my biggest flaw—all in one. It makes me extremely empathetic. It makes me the kind of person that would give the shirt off my back to someone more in need of it. It makes me cry for other’s pain, share in other’s joy, and understand others’ frustration. Unfortunately, it also makes me easy to use, to be taken advantage of, and to be hurt. I hand the entire world the keys to my heart as my giant heart is always on my sleeve. I care deeply, hurt richly, and love intensely. I’m one of the few. I’m set apart. Being unique is supposed to be a good thing, but it’s painful. I long for others to truly understand me. I long to be loved like I love others. I long to be cherished for being this kind of person.

I wish all too often that I could shut off my heart. I wish that I did not get so easily wrapped up in others. I wish that I didn’t automatically feel so much for others that I click with because I end up with a broken heart way more often than I should allow myself to. Whether it is friendship, a romantic interest, and even family, I get let down by the teeter-totter effect of emotion. I don’t want to be affected this much. I don’t want to be pained over others that don’t even let me cross their minds. I am so sick and freaking tired of crying over the impact of others’ actions and the hold they have on me.

Where do I go from here? I’m on the precipice of change. Once again, it is a big, life changing moment upon me. And what do I do about it? In private, I cry and grieve over all that I cannot control. Hot tears well up and spill. But as weak as I feel with tenderness, I also know that I get up each day and take on the world because I am strong. I may hurt inside, but I put a smile back on my face, I feel renewed hope and strength, and each and every single day of my life, I kick a little ass. I may not be able to fix how much my heart cares or how others treat me or accept me, but one thing I know is that I absolutely can control that I will not be broken by the world. I will not be bitter. I Will. Not. Be. Defeated.

16142736_802140686601607_7609198029134811393_n

Just A Poem

*Repost from old blog site*

I have written poems for men who don’t even deserve to cross my mind.
I’ve loved friends in ways that they never deserved to be cared for.
I’ve cried hot tears for people that hurt me without giving a second thought.
And I’ve given pieces of myself away to those that had no idea I craved more.

I’ve skinned my knees and picked myself back up.
I’ve stumbled and even fallen, but recovered on my own strength.
I’ve felt stupid and foolish but I have still smiled,
And to hide my hurts, I’ve sometimes gone to great lengths.

Not many deserve my love and loyalty.
In fact, I’d say it’s just a small few.
But for even those that don’t deserve it,
Love, support, encouragement, and even just friendly smiles,
I always continue to do.

It’s truly the way I’m built by the hand of God.
A tender soul is putting it mildly.
I may seem weak, or foolish, or even daft to some,
But I just believe I’ve simply been created to give and love purely and wildly.