Hard Times, Harder Fight

This last week has been one of the hardest I have endured in a long time. As I have been fighting hard to make my life better, it seems that for every step forward I take, I am knocked back two. While I’m working hard to keep making forward progress, this last week made me feel like what little light I had going on at the end of the tunnel had been snuffed out.

I have written over and over again about hope, positivity, and choosing to focus on the good in life. I struggled this week though for a variety of reasons. It was like life needed to knock me on my butt, and once I was there, the blows just kept coming.

I got a new full time job. Yay, right?! Wrong. For one, I’m not thrilled to be back to living the two job life. Working 6 to 7 days a week is exhausting. It pretty much takes away any kind of personal life I can have and makes it seem like I just live to work. Two jobs is temporary though, so I can get over that. For the first time in my life though, I’m now in a factory job. The work is hard, the days are long, the rules are extremely strict, and my position is outside in the elements all day. Coming into winter now makes me cringe at the thought of having to spend 40+ hours outside in it each week. I was devastated when I realized my position assignment for this. It was definitely not what I had wanted.

On top of the work stuff, it seems that my entire personal life decided to fall apart at the same time too. While I don’t want to go into much detail because it’s not just my privacy at stake, but many others too, I can say that this week was nothing short of a shitshow. Every single day, life was throwing punches that were pummeling my heart. I cried, I screamed, I yelled, and then I cried some more. I even had a full on meltdown. Let’s just say that life was not kind to me over the last several days. I had several moments where I felt like this is all just too hard, and I wanted to throw in the towel. Exhaustion, adjusting to major new life changes, getting my feelings hurt deeply, dealing with parenting rebellious teenagers, and more all at once was enough to leave me crying like a little baby every single day. It was just an incredibly hard week.

As I’ve been thinking about all of this the last couple of days though, I am reminded of one thing. I can’t change a lot about my life circumstances right now. The one thing I can control though is my attitude. I have a choice in whether or not I crumple to the ground and let my entire world fall apart. I have a choice in whether or not I want to start this new job with a positive outlook. I have a choice in whether or not I want to wallow in miserable self-pity or if I pull myself up by the bootstraps and push forward with a smile on my face.

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It is okay to have those occasional meltdowns, especially when life is throwing the amount of crazy curveballs it has been throwing me lately. It is okay to cry and scream and lose it. Go ahead and meltdown. But then, when you’ve cried it all out, dry your eyes, wash your face, and then get back up! If life is going to throw punches, then throw some punches of your own back! You own your life, you own your reactions and choices, and you own your behavior. Focus on what you can change, and let go of what you cannot. These were the big lessons I was reminded of this week.

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And lastly, if you are struggling to the point that you are considering suicide, please reach out. There are many resources available and you are not alone. Your life is worth living.

Hang in there, my friends. Life is all about seasons and if you are going through an incredibly hard season right now, take comfort in knowing that a good one is coming soon.

Much love,
Moonshine Niki

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Angry Ranting

I can’t quite tell which end is up and which is down lately. I’m kind of lost. I’m overwhelmed and I’m obviously in a period of personal growth and like I’ve written before in Growing Pains, growth hurts. I’m feeling a little chaotic inside these days. I’m feeling overstimulated by a lot in life. I’ve pretty much run away from social media, I’ve shut many people out, and I’m not quite sure how to straighten out all this yuck that I’ve got going on inside. The only thing I do know is that I need some time and space. I need time for me to just figure out what I’ve got going on inside my own heart and mind.

I’m feeling let down and disappointed by many events and people in life. I have so many friends and even family that profess love and support and yet are oddly absent. Don’t get me wrong, I have a couple people that are present and supportive and I’m beyond blessed by them, but those that are lacking leaves a pain in my heart. I feel unworthy because of it. It’s been a lifelong struggle for me, I continue to feel that I am not enough. I’m not enough to be loved. I’m not enough to be anything but disposable. I’m not enough to for a lifetime commitment from anyone, let alone a lover.

How do I overcome this? How do I get out of this funk that I’m in? I’m not quite sure of the answer to that. One thing I’ve realize recently is that I’m still not over my ex, or rather, I’m not over my heart being broken into so many pieces. I want to be. I’m angry at him. I don’t sit at home and think fond thoughts of him and pining away for him to come back. I don’t want him to want me. I don’t care what he’s got going on in life or what him and his barbie are up to (speaking of which, I’d love if my friends and loved ones could stop telling me when they see him; that’d be great). But I’m still not over the situation nonetheless. It’s only been two and a half months since he rocked my world in the worst way. I truly loved him with every fiber of my being, so I guess it’s understandable that I’m not over it yet. I’m also guessing that the only way to get over it all is time. I don’t know how to not be angry though. I don’t know how to not have negative feelings about how long he strung me along, telling me he loved me, letting me play step mommy to his children, washing and putting away his laundry, cooking for him, encouraging him in life, building him up, planning a future for us as a family all while he used me. Used me for security, used me to fill the void he had while trying to get over his ex, used me to help with his children, used me for all that I was only to turn around and discard me and my love like trash. To break my heart, rock mine and my children’s world, to tell me he never loved me. The more time that passes, the more I can recognize all the warning signs I was previously blind to. And with that, the more angry and stupid that I feel. I was foolish, and he broke my heart in a big way.

The more that I type here, the more that I realize that many of my issues are anger in general. This is why I love writing. I feel scorned by several people. Aside from my ex, I’m frustrated with the lack of support and help from my family. As I work two jobs, 6 to 7 days a week, as I am constantly running, constantly in a rush, constantly feeling like I don’t even have time to breathe, I’m upset at where I feel like I should have family there for me but don’t. I’m upset that while my sister gets help freely from my mother, including being able to move back home during a hard financial time, I do not. Never would it ever even be on the table. I work constantly, something which my mother talks negatively about as if I have a choice, and yet, there’s judgement and nothing else. So, of course, I’m angry.

I can’t figure out whether I’m going to implode or explode, but one of ‘em is coming if something doesn’t change. I just find myself flailing lately and with a short fuse. I want to lose it. Publicly even. I want to type in my best shouting voice and tell everyone on social media what I think. I want to spill every thought and feeling. But for now…just this angry ranting. That’s all I’ve got.

So, to every single person that has been absent when I so desperately have needed you; fuck you. I’m angry.