A New Path

My life lately has been rapidly changing, and I know I’ve mentioned this several times, but that’s because of how incredible all of this change has been. One hurt started it all in motion, and with the snowball effect, there’s suddenly rapid change in all areas. Not only have I realized that I need to be focused solely on my kids, God, and my health–mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, but I’ve had many realizations and change in my behavior and choices.

I’m not looking to date and realize that I need to be alone right now. I need to clean up my life first so that I’m able to truly bless my future partner in the ways I’m wanting him to bless me. I know that I’m a prize, but I’m not ready to be the wife I know I can and should be yet, and until I know I can, I’m determined to keep focusing on me and reaching out to God in my loneliness instead of casual relationships that only make the void feel bigger. I’m not just not looking to seriously date, but I am intentionally living a celibate life. This is necessary to keep my focus where it should be.

I’m going to church every Sunday and bible study every Thursday because I need to grow out of the baby Christian stage I’ve been in my entire life. I’m wanting to grow in my knowledge of the word and grow in my spiritual gifts. I’m watching what I’m allowing into my heart with television and music because of this too. One day, I was leaving work in a great mood and got into my car to drive home. I turned on music and a sad, angry song came on. I suddenly was filled with sadness and anger at the people that have recently hurt me. It made me want to lash out. I realized though that it was the song that made me feel that way, so I kept my behavior in check and decided not to allow those emotions to bog me down. Soon after, I had thought about how I had my church class that night and was suddenly filled with love and hope. Man, how powerful it is to realize that outside influences had that much control over me and that I could control what I allowed those influences to be! This reaffirmed for me that I need to be mindful of what I allow into me.

In all of this, I’m also learning better life coping habits too. I’m reading my bible more. I’m praying over and over every day. I’m writing more and setting new goals with that. I’ve cut out the connections to others that I would previously reach out to in my need for attention and am reaching out to God and other Christians instead. I’m unwilling to waste time talking with others in a way that is not only meaningless but also those that can take me down the wrong path. I’m focusing on my self-care physically right now just as much as spiritually. I’m being loving with myself, making sure to get my water consumption in, tracking my physical activity and making new goals, and watching what I eat and drink. On top of all of this, I’ve stopped drinking alcohol.

I have gotten into the habit of using alcohol to cope with stress and pain. As life has been harder lately though, I had realized that I was drinking more and I didn’t really like the person I was becoming with it. While I’m trying to take much better care of myself than ever before, I don’t want to add the poison of alcohol to my body. I’m not saying I’m never going to have another drink again, but I need to reset. I need to go back to healthy coping mechanisms and not drink out of habit. My body deserves to be treated better than I’ve treated it before, and naturally, with all of these other changes, it just makes sense to commit to zero alcohol.

I am headed to great places. I’m learning so many life lessons. I want to become strong in my faith and knowledge and want to live a life that allows for me to be a good role model to my children and to others. My ultimate goal is to become an author of books meant to speak hope into others’ lives. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and how I don’t have to stop there. I can figure out a way to reach out and minister and speak to others. The possibilities are endless, and in order to reach those goals, I have to keep up with all that I’m doing now.

I am inspired! I am happy and full of hope. I know that I’m on the right path now, and while I wish I could have pulled it all together before, I take comfort in knowing it’s never too late. I’m so very thankful to be on this new journey because I know it’s going to change my entire life.

My new favorite song. If God can reach me in the middle of a life filled with ugliness, casual sex, booze and bar hopping, and various other ways I was rebelling and running, He can reach you too. ❤

 

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I Am A Prize

I was having a discussion today with a friend about dating. While I was getting ready to talk about something I’m excited about in life right now, I said, “Guess what?!” He responded with, “You met someone?!” I laughed at this because it seemed like such an absurd concept to me right now. Then I realized what an accomplishment that feeling is!

I’ve talked about being a serial dater in blogs in my past, but it’s something I’ve strayed away from in the last several years. I’ve done better with taking longer breaks between relationships, and this is a good thing. What is new though is that I’m suddenly truly not focused on that desire to be with someone at all. There are things in my life that I want to accomplish first. So when my friend guessed that I had met someone, I realized that I’m not hoping for that to happen. I told him that I actually WANT some time this time. I’m truly focused on God, on myself, on my writing, and on my kids. I want to get more of my life in order, everything from growing in God, to finances being more straightened out, to increasingly better self-care (I’ve lost 35 pounds since August). I’m busy falling in love with myself all over again. I told my friend that I want to have things so together that when I do meet someone new, I want him to say to himself, “Gosh, this chick has her life so together and is on fire for God. I NEED to make her mine.” I need to be a catch. I don’t want there to be a single ounce of desperation about me. I want to be good all on my own, because eventually when I am dating again, it’s not just for fun. I am looking for and deserving of a husband. That desperation in my past has allowed me to be prey for men that are not good and don’t have the same values, and I’m finally done repeating my past. During conversations with two others recently, I had to admit that I’ve been so heartbroken and hurt for so long, that I have no choice but to to recognize that my own choices are allowing this. It’s time for a completely new game plan.

My self-esteem these days has already soared higher than it’s ever been. I’ve been doing things the “right” way; I’ve been going to church, diving into the Word, taking care of my body, being more present with my children, and more. I refuse to be an easy target again for the weak that hunt the wounded. Realizing today that I don’t just not have my hopes up, but that I actually desire time to heal and work on me is an incredible, monumental, and pivotal moment in my life. I recently said on Facebook that right now appears to be the first time I have ever been succeeding in my struggles instead of succumbing to them. Today was yet another reminder of this.

I feel true happiness right now. I have set new goals and a plan to obtain them. I am feeding my soul and not just my body. I am a prize, and someday in the future, there’s going to be a man so happy to “win” me.

Blessings In Redemption

I’ve recently started talking about coming back to God. After spending the last year in some pretty hardcore rebellion, it was a big deal to not just turn back to Him, but to do so with such earnest effort. I have given myself over to Him and my entire life is up in the air with change right now because of it.

One deciding factor in my decision was the need for His comfort. My entire adult life, I have carried around grief, shame, guilt, and heartache. I have been through domestic violence abuse, the death of a child, drug abuse, sexual assault, and so much more. I have carried layers of pain with me through it all. Going back to church, I’ve been like an onion. Each Sunday that I walk through those doors, layers of all of those bad things peel off. Each Sunday, I cry tears of relief and joy. I serve a mighty Savior that says I don’t need to carry any of that stuff anymore. By his blood, I am redeemed. Redemption! What a mighty concept!!

While I’ve been attending church every Sunday, I’ve also been going to a church class every Thursday night. This is a first for me. I’ve never before tried so hard to immerse myself in church and with other Christians. For the first time in my life, I’m finally adjusting my personal choices to follow Christ. I’m finally acutely aware of my choices in music, television, social interactions, and more. I want nothing more than to follow Him, fall in love with Him, get deep into His word, and become close with His people. My entire life depends on it.

Well, I recently told a couple friends that I felt like righting my walk with God is going to allow some major blessings to fall together in my life. I have some big goals, and I have a major sense of peace that He is going to allow those things to happen now. But…it gets better. Get this…

I was at my class on Thursday, which opens with first prayer and then we stand to sing a worship song together. Randomly, at the beginning of the song, I felt like God was telling me out of the blue, “Focus on me, and I will give you the deepest desires of your heart.” I was startled as I’m not one to frequently claim that I feel God talking to me, but I knew the word was from Him. You see, there are two big things that matter to me. These things matter so much that if you know me personally, you know them.

One thing that I deeply desire is a life partner. I don’t just desire someone to share affection or dates with, but I desire a husband. I desire a deep love and an entire life together of partnership, love, affection, adoration, support, humor, and so much more. I was born a lover, and I believe this is from Him. It is a desire deeply ingrained in me, and I believe it is that way for a reason. I also believe there is a reason that nothing before has panned out, because I was not walking with God, and I was not conducting my life in a manner to attract someone I truly deserve–a loving, God fearing, Christ worshiping, manly man. I deserve so much more than I have EVER settled for in the past. I believe that God has the perfect man in store for me, and I just need to be living the life that He wants and focused on God for me to find him.

The second and probably equal thing that I desire so deeply is to start writing books. I truly believe that I have a natural gift and talent for writing, and even when I have strayed from God, I have felt that my gift has always been meant to bring glory to Him. I have always felt that I am meant to reach out and speak hope and love into the lives of women that feel broken in life by the ways I have felt broken, and what better way to speak hope than to have my own personal testimony of brokenness healed by Him?! I have tried to start my first book so many times over the years and have always hit a wall. A few years ago, I finally accepted that this was because of the reasons I just stated, but I selfishly stayed where I was anyway. This is about to change–I declare it in the Lord’s name!

So with this newfound encouragement, with this new peace from Him and my church, I intend to press forward. I am going to keep cleaning up my life, I am going to keep focusing on the Lord, and I am going to dig deeper into the relationships that I should have with God and others and have faith that I am well on my way to life changing events in His time. I know I am going to have these things like my lungs know how to breathe. I don’t have to worry anymore. I am redeemed, and in that, I am blessed.  Praise God!

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