Erroneously Fallen

It’s funny how we break, we heal, we break again and repeat…
*Repost from an old blog site*

You stole my heart away too quickly,
I tried not to allow it, but I failed.
Your sweet kisses made my stomach flutter,
And all my hopes against falling suddenly sailed.

Then you told me you couldn’t do it,
Couldn’t start something with someone living an hour away.
And ever since, I’ve fought to not bug you,
Fighting to keep my mouth shut every day.

I try hard to keep my feelings to myself,
Though they occasionally slip out no matter what I do.
You ignore those texts and move to the next,
Leaving me frustrated and a little hurt and confused.

I try to remind myself there are others,
That you’re not the only one who could kiss me the amazing way you have.
But it’s just your smiles, sneaking glances, and tender touches,
I seem to still want so bad.

It is what it is, unfortunately.
That’s become my new catch phrase.
But I’d be lying my ass off if I said,
I wasn’t completely captured by your ways.

The feelings will go away, I know.
Things will end up alright.
But for now, it’s not going away quickly,
And it’s you I dream of every night.

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Onward and Upward, Baby!

When I sit down to write, I normally have a specific topic and some kind of outline I intend to follow. Every once in a while though, my heart is just full and the only clear path I have is to just actually open the computer and let my fingers go. Today is the latter.

Heartbreak…. Man, oh man, heartbreak. It’s something we all are familiar with, but it’s one of those things that unless you are in the thick of it, it’s easy to forget how difficult it can be. Sadly, for this, I’m also currently experiencing the latter. In. The. Thick. Of. It. The crazy thing about this heartbreak though is that it’s a complex mix of emotions. More complex than I have ever experienced before. I didn’t initiate it, but I should have. Things weren’t right and we both knew it. I’m a sap though and loyal to a freakin’ fault, so out of love, I kept trying.

While he initiated it, even while it stung and hurt and part of me didn’t want it, I still knew it was the right thing. What I did not realize was how much it still would hurt. So what do I do now? My financial situation is up in the air and I need to come up with a plan, and quickly. In fact, everything is up in the air, and it is terrifying. I hate the way it feels, stress constantly tearing my stomach up, nights spent tossing and turning and not being able to sleep deeply for long, and being exhausted, but sleep not easily coming either. I did not want to be here again! And even more than that, I didn’t want my kids to be here again.

So here we are, having a brand new start again. Once again, I’m trying to figure out what will probably end up being a second job, and figuring out what our new normal is. The one thing I know for sure though is that I want to be okay by myself. In fact, I want to be happy by myself. I don’t want to live my life looking forward to the someday when I will inevitably meet someone new. I’ve been on a journey of self-love for a little bit now, and I definitely intend to keep that up.

I am worthy of love, self-respect, happiness, stability, and a good life, even if it is alone. These are my current goals. I know we are going to be okay. So for me and my almost grown babies, it’s upward and onward, baby!

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Angry Ranting

I can’t quite tell which end is up and which is down lately. I’m kind of lost. I’m overwhelmed and I’m obviously in a period of personal growth and like I’ve written before in Growing Pains, growth hurts. I’m feeling a little chaotic inside these days. I’m feeling overstimulated by a lot in life. I’ve pretty much run away from social media, I’ve shut many people out, and I’m not quite sure how to straighten out all this yuck that I’ve got going on inside. The only thing I do know is that I need some time and space. I need time for me to just figure out what I’ve got going on inside my own heart and mind.

I’m feeling let down and disappointed by many events and people in life. I have so many friends and even family that profess love and support and yet are oddly absent. Don’t get me wrong, I have a couple people that are present and supportive and I’m beyond blessed by them, but those that are lacking leaves a pain in my heart. I feel unworthy because of it. It’s been a lifelong struggle for me, I continue to feel that I am not enough. I’m not enough to be loved. I’m not enough to be anything but disposable. I’m not enough to for a lifetime commitment from anyone, let alone a lover.

How do I overcome this? How do I get out of this funk that I’m in? I’m not quite sure of the answer to that. One thing I’ve realize recently is that I’m still not over my ex, or rather, I’m not over my heart being broken into so many pieces. I want to be. I’m angry at him. I don’t sit at home and think fond thoughts of him and pining away for him to come back. I don’t want him to want me. I don’t care what he’s got going on in life or what him and his barbie are up to (speaking of which, I’d love if my friends and loved ones could stop telling me when they see him; that’d be great). But I’m still not over the situation nonetheless. It’s only been two and a half months since he rocked my world in the worst way. I truly loved him with every fiber of my being, so I guess it’s understandable that I’m not over it yet. I’m also guessing that the only way to get over it all is time. I don’t know how to not be angry though. I don’t know how to not have negative feelings about how long he strung me along, telling me he loved me, letting me play step mommy to his children, washing and putting away his laundry, cooking for him, encouraging him in life, building him up, planning a future for us as a family all while he used me. Used me for security, used me to fill the void he had while trying to get over his ex, used me to help with his children, used me for all that I was only to turn around and discard me and my love like trash. To break my heart, rock mine and my children’s world, to tell me he never loved me. The more time that passes, the more I can recognize all the warning signs I was previously blind to. And with that, the more angry and stupid that I feel. I was foolish, and he broke my heart in a big way.

The more that I type here, the more that I realize that many of my issues are anger in general. This is why I love writing. I feel scorned by several people. Aside from my ex, I’m frustrated with the lack of support and help from my family. As I work two jobs, 6 to 7 days a week, as I am constantly running, constantly in a rush, constantly feeling like I don’t even have time to breathe, I’m upset at where I feel like I should have family there for me but don’t. I’m upset that while my sister gets help freely from my mother, including being able to move back home during a hard financial time, I do not. Never would it ever even be on the table. I work constantly, something which my mother talks negatively about as if I have a choice, and yet, there’s judgement and nothing else. So, of course, I’m angry.

I can’t figure out whether I’m going to implode or explode, but one of ‘em is coming if something doesn’t change. I just find myself flailing lately and with a short fuse. I want to lose it. Publicly even. I want to type in my best shouting voice and tell everyone on social media what I think. I want to spill every thought and feeling. But for now…just this angry ranting. That’s all I’ve got.

So, to every single person that has been absent when I so desperately have needed you; fuck you. I’m angry.