An Open Book

I saw a meme on Facebook that said something like, “I’m an open book in a world full of people that don’t read.” This speaks loudly to me as I can relate so well. I’m so much different from most of those around me. I’m a deep feeler surrounded by those that are numb. I’m a master communicator surrounded by those that just remain silent when I so badly just need to hear their words. So what do I do? I hold so much inside. I hold it inside until it feels like it’s all going to make me crazy. I hold it in while it eats my soul. I quietly cry tears of loneliness and frustration in the dark. I privately meltdown feeling I’m just too much for others. Then, I do the only thing I know how to do to cope, and I write.

The biggest problem in all of this is that there is just no changing it. I can’t water myself down. I have no idea how to be any different than the intensely feeling, fiercely loving, caring with my entire heart woman I am. Sometimes I feel like that is empowering, and other times, I feel like it is a lifelong punishment. I can’t help but wonder if this is every really going to pay off, or if I’m just going to spend my life with this complex heart that no one truly understands…

I don’t have much choice in anything though, other than choosing to try to be positive, choosing to keep my hope and faith intact, choosing not to allow the world to make me bitter, and choosing to continue writing. The rest of life is left up to powers bigger than mine. One thing is certain, I’m just always going to be that open book, and maybe someday, that open book can become a real written book and will make an impact on others for the better. This is my biggest life goal.

So, here’s to the open books…

*Photo from J. Warren Welch*

Advertisements

5 Random Facts about Moonshine Niki

*Repost from old blog site*

1.     I cannot write at home without being barefoot. I don’t know why that is, but as soon as I sit down, if I still have shoes or socks on, I immediately strip them off to write. I’ve been doing that longer than I’ve ever noticed it was a thing for me.

2.     I’m socially awkward and weird. I overthink stuff way too much and while I’m smart, I’m not quick witted in conversation. I tend to feel out of place in big social settings. But on the flip side of that coin, I tend to do really well with one on one conversation and connection. Because I’m such a bare my heart and soul kinda woman, I find it easy to connect with others that are also open.

3.     I’m a highly sensitive person (that’s a for real thing, look it up). I get overstimulated easily, especially from noise. I get upset with repetitive sound, people talking loudly over others, the TV being too loud, or overlapping noise (the music, plus the sound of people talking, plus the noise of the air conditioning, plus the phone ringing, etc.). I also startle extremely easily, and sometimes, to the point of crying or feeling pain in my chest. I am affected by smells much more so than others. But I’m also easily in tune with how others feel or how to make others feel better. I sure could go without many of these though. I’m definitely not the kind of person you want to jump out from behind and yell boo. I’ll cry and you would feel bad. Hahaha

4.     I love the outdoors. The feel of the sunshine on my skin makes me happy. I feel a deep connection to the outdoors. I get much peace just from noticing the sky’s beauty, whether it’s during the day and I’m looking at the clouds, whether it’s nighttime and I’m checking out the moon and stars, or the sun is rising or setting. Just noticing the skies beauty makes me feel at peace deep in my soul. I especially love being anywhere where there is wildlife or water. It’s very much a part of who I am.

5.     I love music. It’s a constant in my life. Whether I’m doing dishes, showering, working, driving, etc. I’m always listening to music. It speaks to me. When I’m upset, I relate to music. When I’m happy, I relate to music. I love to cook dinner with the music loud and dance around the kitchen with my kiddos. We take turns bringing up songs on Youtube and use it as bonding time. My kids will ask me, “Mama, can we have a Youtube night?” I love it. I would be lost without music.